Tina Benias

Is The Universe kicking your butt?

Day 5: No I didn’t miss a day, not exactly. The Universe is being sassy

Ok, so I said I’d write every day, and I have been. So where was yesterday’s post? It got stuck in my drafts because it was just too raw and emotional too actually hit ‘post’.

This week hasn’t been great. It’s been hard and I’ve shed more than just a couple of tears. I want to explain what’s happening, but the situation is not only mine so it’s just not right to share. What I will say is that I am once again, faced with a huge decision. This is no normal decision. This decision is lifechanging beyond any measure I’ve experienced so far. It’s a complex puzzle of pieces that I just can’t seem to put together, no matter how hard I try to bang the pieces in to place.

Am I being punished?

Let me put on my victim hat for just one second here. I can’t help but feel like I am being punished by the universe for all the hurt I caused last year/this year. Karma perhaps.

If I switch back over to ‘what can I learn from this mode’ I see this as a test. My conversation with The Universe currently sounds a little like this-

Universe’s internal dialogue: “Fuck me, Tina is just not picking up a single one of my subtle hints.” (yes, according to me The Universe swears)

“She asks for all this shit all the time, prays for it, writes her little manifesto under the full moon and then when I offer it up to her, what the fuck does she do? Nothing! She does fucking nothing!”

Tina: “Why amI not getting anything I’m asking for? Why am I so confused? Where the fuck is my sign? Why does The Universe hate me? Why is this all so hard?”

Universe: *face plant* SMFH

Yeah, if I was The Universe I’d want to kick my butt too. I just get so caught up in my scattered world that it becomes hard to see clearly. And I know I can’t see but I just can’t clear the fog. It’s like I’m in an empty room with 6 doors and I just constantly go around in circles, opening every door, peeking my head inside, then closing it again.

Over and over and over and over

Where to now?

Tomorrow is my 29th birthday.

Twenty-nine.

The last year of my twenties.

I am ending the decade I like to call “all about me” and entering the new phase of life where I actually open up and start sharing my heart with someone else. The phase of “us”. Me, him and another.

The phase of ‘us’ doesn’t scare me anymore. For a long time it did, and I would pay anything to avoid it, but now the transition is smooth and smells sweet.

Ok universe,

I hear you. You’re holding my face, forcing me to stare at the solution. The solution is my dream and all I need to do is let go.

I’m untangling the ten-thousand safety nets I hung for myself that are holding me back.

I’m locking all the doors and choosing just one.

This one.

Just breathe.

 

Signed,

Tina Benias
Author of cryptic posts
Delinquent child of The Universe
Tree Climber
Door Chooser

P.S I’m on Spotify a lot, so I thought I’d share what I’m listening to today. I may or may not be listening to Breathe and Waterfalls on repeat. Don’t judge me.

No Comments

Leave a Reply