Love.

I’m a love fool

Day…I’ve lost track… : Foolish in love or love fool?

I’m a bit of a running joke amongst my friends.

“Oh, Tina has a new boyfriend? She will be married soon!”

“Hey Tina, you’re almost 30, now is the time you’re supposed to get married”

“Hey Tina, what are your thoughts on divorce? You are the expert after all…”

“Oh, you have news? Let me guess- you’re pregnant!”

I try to take it all in jest. Most of the time no harm is intended. I tell myself that there are worse things than being known as a “love fool” and laugh with the joker. However, underneath my half-cracked smile is a pool of hurt brimming with failure, unworthiness and fear of judgement. There is a mountain of self-truths that overshadow every new relationship I have, and part of me wishes I could erase the past and start again.

It’s true. When I fall, I fall hard. But is that really so bad?

Every relationship leads to a soul evolution. I honestly believe that there are certain things that must be learnt before we can be rewarded with meeting “The One” and yes, I do believe in “The One”, at least I do now.

If you asked me twelve months ago if I thought soul mates existed, I would have given you a half empty ‘yes’. You see, I’ve always wanted to desperately believe that the man I saw when I closed my eyes was real, but failed relationship after failed relationship was only teaching me one thing- I make bad choices.

I have been on the quest for my soul mate for a long time and this type of soulmate love has been a constant theme of my writing. After years of reading, researching and talking about it, I am hesitant to allow myself to think that I may have found what I’ve been looking for. Dare I test the fates by saying this out loud? Dare I attract more judgemental stares by confessing that my soul may have just found it’s counterpart in another?

The love I’ve been searching for is simple yet complex. It goes a little something like this…

Soul crushing when we’re apart
Can’t breathe without you
A bind so strong that there isn’t an ocean large enough to keep us apart
I love that is requited and every level humanly possible
A spiritual connection that surpasses the physical binds of this life, because it’s not of this life

He is all of these things. I was asleep until I met him. When he appeared in my life the universe came rushing in. From the moment I met him I knew that we had been together before. From the first time we kissed, I knew that we had kissed before. Like pieces of a scattered puzzle, we had found each other and rejoined in this life.

There is no fundamental or logical explanation to the way we are when we’re together. For him, I would give it all up. There is no part of me that I am holding back. I’ve jumped in, freely and fearlessly. When we’re apart the colour from my life. I gush in every minute we have together because time is never enough. It’s although I’ve been waiting an eternity for him to come back. We say ‘I love you’ a thousand times a day, simply because we don’t’ have a word strong enough to express how we feel.

This is not infatuation or obsession, this is a static, vibrational connection. We are magnets. 

If that doesn’t make you believe in soulmates then I don’t know what will.

Love the way you want. Love wholly, recklessly and deeply…

You can’t help who you fall in love with, or when, or how. All you can do is go with the feeling and hope for the best. Don’t be afraid to let down your walls to let someone in. Your past hurts are lessons, not rules. Don’t let them dictate how you love.

At the end of the day when I draw my last breath, I will not be thinking of the judgement I felt when following my heart, I will be thinking of the full life I have lived, overflowing with love. Because in the end, that’s all there is- love.

Signed,

Tina Benias

Love fool
Hopeless romantic
Sticker-upper of middle finger to the haters
Believer in soulmates

The song to match

1 Comment

  • Claire

    I love this xx

    August 25, 2016 at 6:53 am

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